Are Men Intimidated by My Harvard Degree?
Empirical data on the age-old debate about what men really want.
There’s this bizarrely persistent idea in gender wars and dating discourse that men either 1) do not care about your educational pedigree or 2) are actively intimidated by accomplished, educated women.1
The dance between genders has always fascinated me. Observing others in a detached, intellectual way is my coping mechanism for a world that has often felt confusing, isolating, and unkind. It is why I was a social anthropology major in college and still read the weird, angry comments and posts from weird, angry men saying women are delusional - I harbor empathy and judgement in equal measures.
However… I’ve been dating for a really, really long time now.2
I have the benefit of hundreds of real life romantic data points, not just misinformed, myopic shoutings from self-selecting men who breathe only the recycled air in their unimpressive bubbles.
And. Well. Real life experience just doesn’t seem the same as what’s being said.
What are High Achieving Men Actually Like?
At this point, I’ve matched with, gone on dates with, or actually dated tons of men who are at the top of the dating food chain over the course of roughly 14 years since I graduated from college.
My type is extremely conventional. Not every man is interested in me, not by a long shot, but I’d estimate 80% of my dates check off at least 3 out of the 4 height/income/looks/education checkboxes.
I actually don’t have strict criteria - I’ve dated men that were 5’5”, ones too poor to pay for my $18 salad, and ones that never went college. (Never all 3 at once, oy.) They generally were outliers that had other things going for them.
I bring up credentials only to make this point: I hear the unfiltered thoughts of men with no shortage of options.
Eligible man problems sound like, “Most of my thousands of inbound likes on Hinge seem too blonde and basic and I’m more kinky and into brunettes” or “I fucked 3 models last weekend but I still feel lonely and empty inside. Also, my stock grant was issued at higher price per share and now that the company’s stock has fallen, my 1.5 million annual total comp is more like 1.3 million. FML.”3
They are often men who crave a deeper level of connection and to be accepted for the parts of themselves that they hide from others - there’s just a lot of easy female distraction for their existential dread.
And yes, they get ghosted and jerked around by women, too. Rejection happens to all of us! We all become vulnerable in the face of love, no matter our dating resume.
Quotes from Real Men
So let’s get empirical: here are real things men have actually said to me.
Here are direct quotes from my personal dating experience along with short run downs of who said what. I paraphrased what I heard in person and tried to keep text messages faithful to the source - this is all no cap.
“If I told my friends I found a sexy, purple haired, Harvard-educated entrepreneur, they would say [NAME] waited until he got everything he ever wanted in a woman.”
- Cartoonishly handsome 6’2” MD at Famous Investment Bank, MBA from Ivy League School while we were waiting in the airport on vacation together
“We matched on Bumble 3 years ago but you never responded to my last message. I always wondered what could have been. I saw you as the one that got away.”
- Really Good Looking Director at a Private Equity Fund who knew very little about me other than appearance, job, and education when I failed to respond 3 years ago. We ended up dating for a few months in the past year when he became single again.
“as you might have gathered, the way I like to engage with people isn’t fun for me or for them if they’re basic. So the additional data point made me think it would be a good experience for everyone.”
- 6'3” really handsome Ivy-educated COO of company I had heard of who only matched with me on Feeld (I sent a ping weeks earlier) after later he saw I went to Harvard on Raya
“I like that you seem to have a wide range :) Like, intelligence and also down for burning man (in the past). maybe I'm mis remembering, did u go to Harvard? 😅 I'm definately [SIC] a guy that vibes better with educated women.”
- Some random guy from Tinder
“I wouldn’t ghost you because you went to Harvard which means we know people in common.”
- Guy from dating app who went to elite college
“You’re beautiful and you went to Harvard. Marry me?”
- Some super unhinged guy from a dating app over text, successful/tall/decent looking
“[Having gone to] Harvard really helps for long term stuff.”
- Harvard MBA grad, ended up working in private equity, talking about he cares about for long term mates
“What’s the capital of Iowa?”
- Random Young Guy at Lake Como hostel in Italy after he asked where I went to college. When I wasn’t able to answer, he told me the answer with extreme pride, and said, “Ha! You went to Harvard and didn’t know that!”
My Personal Context
I was born in China and immigrated here at age 3. My father’s parents are literally peasants: even as late as 2012, they lived (by choice) in their concrete shack home in the countryside with no running water, proper heating … or even toilets.4 My mother was better off, but her fondest memory of her childhood seems to be that she never went hungry, unlike her own mother, which led to me being shamed for leaving any food on my plate.
This is to say: I am very far from the vision of “privilege” people have when they think of elite colleges. It’s probably what got me into Harvard, to be honest.5 While I did grow up in a reasonably affluent Westchester suburb, I never went on fancy vacations and had to beg my parents to buy me a single Abercrombie t-shirt.6
I always had this idea I’d end up as a starving author/artist. It didn’t occur to me that it was exceptionally weird that I liked reading business/marketing books for fun since age 13. I was just born a capitalist pick-me, go figure.
As a result, I have a strong psychological distance and flexibility around my status and identity. I don’t hold certain things like my looks or my degree too tightly. I’ve been anticipating my age-induced hot girl demise since puberty! Plus, I didn’t get real attention from men until age 20, and I noticed it only happened if I put on my hot girl drag.
So you have to understand that I went into the dating world with this idea that men were intimidated by smart, accomplished women. I read that SO MANY times since I was a youngster on the 2000’s and 2010’s internet. It was beat into my head that men cared about looks, not the other stuff.7
What I have discovered
So much of my growing up is reconciling what people tell us about the world with our actual experience.
So here’s the weird truth I’ve found—both heartening and grim:
“High value” men are not intimidated by education or accomplishments, at least the very many that I have interacted with.
If anything, they fixate on it. These men want the full package. They don’t need to pick between warmth/looks and pedigree/intelligence. It’s both, especially when selecting long term partners. They won’t prioritize pedigree over attraction but they also don’t have to. The men who find that the only hot women who like them are dull and unambitious likely don’t have access to the women who have both looks and their lives together.8
Women who complain about this are probably:
Dating men who are poor fits - men who are insecure that they should gladly let go of, or…
Not demonstrating enough romantic interest in their dates or giving off cold/guarded/business-like energy, assuming that their dates are physically attracted to them. I had a really long string of first dates at one point where no one wanted a second date. I was super puzzled. I then tried giving each one at least a peck and found my fortunes totally reversed. Magic?
All of this to say: no, men (who matter) aren’t intimidated by my Harvard degree. They actually love it, or to my discomfort, fetishize it.
If you’re a young woman: do not worry that your accomplishments will turn off worthy men. They only turn off unworthy ones; it’s kind of magical. Focus on being pretty, kind, and full of life. And select better men.
I heard about how, in undergrad, one of my classmates went to a Boston University party. After telling a guy she went to Harvard, he stopped talking to her.
It’s annoying I feel I need to emphasize this, but I’m no longer single. As if being single would invalidate everything I write … but yeah. Happy?!
Only lightly paraphrasing
Think wooden shanty with hole cut out the floor so you can poop on the existing pile of poop. And a home heated by cookfire.
This was mentioned in my admissions essay which might be floating around the internet somewhere I sold off the rights to some publishing company my freshman year.
Half the reason I was a food writer in college is because we only ever ate out at $12 Chinese buffets so restaurants seemed like magical rich people places.
I got told I was smart all the time, but no one told me I was pretty. My deepest pubescent yearning was to find a boyfriend: cue reading Kevin Aucoin makeup books (later, Michelle Phan YouTube tutorials), surfing red pill websites, and being obsessed with The Game by Neil Strauss.
I’m trying to say this gently.
Completely agree as a successful top tier educated (Berkeley) guy. I want a peer — educated, intelligent, a woman who can be a partner.
What I find is that it’s women who don’t want to date “down”, not men who don’t want to date up. Especially some women I’ve dated who didn’t come from upper class backgrounds end up at a place like Harvard and see what privileges come with the territory, and don’t want to settle for anything less.
I really love your three takeaways at the end. Re: "I then tried giving each one at least a peck and found my fortunes totally reversed", I suspect you're onto something.
I love Esther Perel's take on that tension between love and desire:
“Part of building romantic relationships and love is establishing trust, routines, and a shared sense of “we,” but part of building romantic & sexual desire is creating a dynamic tension between the “me” and the “we,” keeping things fresh, playful, spontaneous, delightfully surprising, leaving us wanting a little more.”
That sensual, sexual, romantic tension can feel sublime, and it goes a long way toward keeping the spark alive. Whether a peck, an extended hug, deep eye contact, a flirtatious smile, or a gentle graze, we have plenty of options at our disposal for building up that anticipation and desire.
Interestingly, several years ago I went on a date with a woman who insisted that any time she had sex with someone on the first date, they would not initiate a subsequent hangout that wasn't strictly a booty call. It's like they'd been conditioned to only see her as easy sex, and looked no further, as though there were no spark to cultivate.
I think there's a lot to unpack around building up anticipation, desire, and relationship-oriented habits after the first date. One of the most common questions that came up during my dating seminar series last year was what to do during the later dates, e.g. after date 4 or 5, when you're trying to decide how/whether to embark upon a formal relationship.
NYC's Matchmaker Maria advocates for 12 dates prior to any sex at all, which I consider a bit arbitrary and potentially even wasteful, as it would really suck to invest that much time and energy in a person only to find out later that you're not sexually compatible at all. That said, I suspect she allows for other non-coital activities that serve to bolster the sensual tension.
Personally, I'm a fan of long hugs. They're less escalation-oriented than horizontal hugs, but still allow for a deep, sensual, connective moment where your breathing can sync up and you can experience a moment of peace and physiological respite in one another's presence.