To the men who think women expire after 30—thank you for not calling.

I was terrified of being 35 and single. Now I’m 36 and single. Here's the truth.

When I was 25, I was terrified of being 35 and single.

Now, I am 36. And single.

How is it?

Honestly, not that bad at all.

I think functionally, there were 2 things I was scared of when I was 25:

1) That I would run out of biological clock time.

2) That no one would want to date me, and/or only terrible options would want to date me at 35.

Prompt: generate an image of a stereotypical single asian woman in her 30's, landscape orientation, CMYK. (Apparently single women like to hang out alone on park benches and cafes with some reading material.)

Fear #2 was especially potent, illustrated by the vitriol of internet trolls who love to claim that women “devalue” with age, turning into a traumatized “high body count” pumpkin at the stroke of midnight on their 30th birthday. I worried that they might be right.

But lived experience has proven otherwise. Sure, there are fewer single men your age or older as the years go by, but that’s a far cry from the doom-and-gloom scenarios peddled by insecure men trying to tear down women to soothe their own fears of inadequacy. So much of that posturing comes from their anger at perceiving women as having it easier in the dating world, only lightly inspired by the reality of women’s worth as they age. (I could write a whole other essay about men deluding themselves about their own worth while aging.)

What I could not foresee

When I was 25, I thought it made sense for late 30’s men to want to date me: fresher skin, younger eggs, less baggage.

Now, I understand that a man who doesn’t somewhat prefer women in their late 20’s and up for reasons of emotional maturity is a red flag.

Here is what I could not foresee 10 years ago:

1) It turns out having children is not a big priority for me. It never was, I just expected that I eventually would care. And well, that has not come to pass. If my biological clock were going to panic, I think someone needs to wake it up from a nap.

2) That even if the pool is somewhat smaller, in a large city, it’s still functionally unlimited. Maybe if you live in a small town, you would have trouble dating. But as a 36 year old, there is still a decent slice of the 25-35 year old demographic who take you seriously and tons of men in the 36-50 demographic who are in your standard target audience. This past year, I have dated men 29-44 if I only count the ages of the ones I know took me seriously. The 29-33 year olds actually outperformed their older counterparts for the most part.

Even as a 20-something dating older guys, I thought more highly of men whose exes were hot, accomplished 30-somethings. Think about it this way: do you actually think any man or woman thinks one of Leo’s 22-year-old fashion models is more of a trophy than gorgeous human rights lawyer Amal Clooney, who met George when she was 35?

Would some 40 year old men prefer to date 25 year olds?

Yes.

Do I want to date a 40 year old man who fixates on 25 year olds?

No.

I did not want to date them when I was 25, either.

The occupational hazard of being 25 is that you could end up being trawled in the net of some horrendous dude who makes internet comments about women being expired, who in 10 years is still obsessed with obtaining validation from younger and younger women to prove to himself that he’s still desirable.

Thank you, older men, for not wanting me. Keep it up.

What I failed to understand

At 25, I didn’t realize that filtering through 8,000 likes versus 3,000 is irrelevant. Even 3,000 is far more than anyone could feasibly date. It’s still enough to find strong contenders amidst the riffraff.

Again, this may not work so well in a small city or town where dropping from 8 prospects to 3 could potentially be devastating. But like, maybe move somewhere with more people?

The older I get, the more I see dating as a process of finding someone who appreciates me as I am, vs fitting myself into what some random generic man would want. There’s so, so many men: the fact that many of them don’t want me is actually extremely freeing.

I now know with 100% certainty that there are desirable men who are thrilled to date women my age.

I choose them.

The Truth

Truth is a tricky thing. Biological realities are real - but with modern medicine, a bit more malleable these days than before if you have the resources. Aging is inevitable - but I still objectively look fine, even if I do look different.

The way you frame the truth shapes your experience, so it’s best to choose clear-eyed positivity.

Here’s my lived truth:

• It has always been easy to line up dates, whether at 25 or 35.

• It has always been hard to find real connection, regardless of age.

The difference now is that my mental algorithm finally has enough data to recognize bullshit much more quickly and spot red flags. Go on hundreds of dates, and you have zero doubt if someone’s behavior or communication patterns are atypical.

If you’re 25 and thinking, WTF is up with these 30-something single women loudly declaring their happiness? Doth they protest too much?—I get it.

I’m not claiming I’m thrilled to be single or wouldn’t be happier in a relationship. I’m saying it’s not as terrible as I feared.

And the alternate reality where I’m stuck in an unhappy marriage?

That would be far worse.