Don't view dating as a status problem.
You success and sanity in dating is dependent on viewing it primarily as a compatibility problem rather than a status problem.
This is one of my most popular notes:
Here’s the TL;DR version of what the note above is trying to say:
Status is a real force, but compatibility trumps all long term.
Excess status can actually obscure compatibility.
Status can explain group behavior but it isn’t that useful for individuals.
Focusing on compatibility makes you less anxious on dates and makes rejection less painful.
Focusing on compatibility makes you less likely to fixate on bad matches.
Being too status-brained comes across as low status.
Definitions
When I say status, I mean “societal assigned romantic desirability.” Things like looks, money, and social standing. Traits where “more is generally beneficial in dating because it increases your optionality.”
When I say compatibility, I mean things like shared sense of humor, common interests, “vibes,” similar life goals, similar values, and how each person shows up in the relationship. I also group “demonstrating enthusiasm” and “treats you well” under this. If someone can’t consistently communicate or show enthusiasm, assume that’s just how they are—and file it under incompatibility.
Context
My biggest dating breakthrough that eventually led me to my partner where we’re happily planning our future home and naming our future fur babies was viewing people’s disinterest and bad behavior as “incompatibility” instead of “they are a bad person” or “men are trash” or “maybe if I were hotter, they would treat me like a human being.”
From a practical standpoint, I would encourage you to still focus on improving things like looks, your career, and your finances because it will help you both in dating and life in general.
Life is easier when you have these things and it is worth constantly working on them. You don’t win a prize for suffering unnecessarily. Make the difficulty setting on the video game of life as easy as possible.
The advice in this article is for people who manage to get on first dates, but struggle with progressing beyond that.
If you have already done the work of improving your appearance and life, most of dating is more about 1) choosing better potential dates and 2) managing your own emotions and expectations which is why I emphasize it’s better to think about things in terms of compatibility.
Why status thinking fails
Status is real, but compatibility trumps it long‑term. Even the most status‑rich people fall apart without compatibility.
Excess status can obscure compatibility, so even if you did have this status you dreamed of, it wouldn’t fix the fundamental dating issue of finding the right person. Pure status attracts people who aren’t good fits and tempts you to try to make things work with someone just because of their status.
Status explains group behavior, but it isn’t that useful for individuals since there are so many exceptions and unique preferences. You can’t predict individual quirks and tastes: perhaps you resemble her slightly goofy-looking ex that she’s still pining over, or she’s really drawn to men that resemble her favorite Kpop singer. You honestly just do not know, so don’t count yourself out.
People just pair up in all sorts of unpredictable ways. There are couples where the man is disabled but the woman is able-bodied. There are lots of couples where the woman makes more than the man. There are couples where they got together after one person had a face transplant or became a burn victim. There are women who fall in love with the guy who lives across the tracks, despite having money herself. There’s just so many beautiful stories of love blooming when the people involved aren’t perfectly looksmatched or from the same background. You should not twist “often true” into “always true” and then use that as a weapon to self-sabotage.
People also value different traits to different degrees. I’ve dated people who could have easily chosen more conventionally attractive partners, but they valued other qualities more—intellect, adventurousness, kindness. Status is not the whole picture.
Some people, particularly men, seem to be bad at self-assessment. While some men seem overconfident, so many are perfectly decent looking and are convinced their lack of dating success is obviously explained by their abject hideousness.
Insecurity is the real poison. Going into a date thinking why would they choose me when there are so many others? reveals itself in tiny ways. People can smell it. Obvious status‑seeking—bragging, virtue signaling, assessing others by numbers—ironically comes across as low status.
Why compatibility thinking works
Focusing on compatibility makes you less anxious. Instead of “I hope they like me,” try: “I’m going to have a good time getting to know them and see if we’re compatible.” Every anxious spiral should be redirected to this task.
Focusing on compatibility makes rejection less painful. Rejection is simply time‑saving redirection and a clear signal of incompatibility. If someone rejects you, they can’t be the love of your life—by definition. Learn to reflexively think: “Not a good match!” and move on.
Focusing on compatibility reduces fixation on people who don’t reciprocate. Your sanity depends on only wanting what wants you back.
My own dating breakthrough came when I started labeling disinterest and bad behavior as incompatibility instead of they’re a bad person or maybe if I were hotter they’d treat me better. That mindset shift eventually led me to my partner, but =importantly, a lot more confidence in the process and more reciprocated interest from quality people.
Being too status-brained comes across as low status.
shared this fascinating paper with me about social paradoxes. Basically, obvious status-seeking behaviors can come across as low status, ex. bragging, virtue signaling. As a result, humans can end up seeking status through the opposite: showing humility to prove we’re better than other people or making a show of not seeking out credit for our contributions.1Let me give you a personal story as well about this.
When I was in my early 20’s, I had a fling with a friend of a friend. We went on a vacation to Mexico together. One morning, we went to see some cathedrals in town before stopping back at our hotel. I noticed my sunscreen had left a weird white cast, so I spent some time fixing myself up to look nicer, combed my hair, and put on a new outfit.
After walking around and taking photos, he started going off on a very detailed description of how I had started the day at mere 5 or 6 on the attractiveness scale. But now, with the adjustments I’d made, I was more of a 7. Plus, I was in the 99th percentile of intelligence, so the 7 plus the brains meant that I was a pretty rare find.
Listening to this man break me down into a bunch of numbers and tell me that I looked merely average to him without the simple adjustments I’d added did not inspire more affection or connection in any way. I know he was trying to pay me a compliment, but its effect was the opposite.
I am not deluded. I know what I look like. I know I am not a model. I know I look better with makeup and my hair combed than without. But when we date someone, what we want is someone who sees us as beautiful in our entirety, who loves us as a whole, and not someone that decomposes us into parts to be examined, like some kind of steer being examined for defects before a sale.
When a man reveals that he is focused on assessing my status, it shows a calculating, non-empathetic mind.
How to put these learnings into action and become way more emotionally-regulated and attractive
If you have your life mostly together and can get yourself to a first date but are still struggling, the next section will go over exercises to address this.
For so many years, my friend Katie kept using the term “upfront editing” to describe the idea that I needed to be more careful about who I chose to go out with and decide to get upset about once they rejected me. It didn’t resonate with me and never stuck. It wasn’t until I developed my own reasoning and philosophy around the dating process that I fully internalized the learning
Here’s how you can re-train your brain to not be an anxious mess when it comes to dating and become a more attractive and secure partner: