It's funny because it's exactly how we would mock a certain type of modern "more in touch with himself" man.
But it's also funny because it hurts a little because I think the truth is "a guy feels kind of rejected and disconnected and it breaks the spark because it hurt when he tried to share something vulnerable with a woman and she didn't meet him there" - I think that's _most_ men. We're socially conditioned not to talk about that (and definitely not to admit it to our partners) - maybe less so recently. So there's some pain behind the laughter.
I love this, Lana! Kudos to you for being so curious, open, self-reflective, and confident!! You rock. And for whatever it is worth, I truly believe you are so beautiful and so brilliant and so successful that you scare many (insecure) men away. Our culture doesn’t train many men to be able to handle women as amazing as you. But there are a few and you will find one. ❤️
Lmao love that you did this, as a chronically single person I've always considered it. Although I have to say, I too would break up with someone for using AI heavily. But maybe that's why I'm chronically single.
If I can sneak in an unsolicited thought here: I would also not be compatible with a heavy genAI user. There are the ethical concerns: models built on stolen labor and content, damage to the environment due to the energy needs/water consumption of huge data centers, data privacy, the fact that it just fucking lies all the time and it's hard to tell, etc. But the real reason is honestly just vibes based.
I consider myself a creative person, and to me genAI is more than a tool to express your creativity, it's a replacement for it. Even simple/dull things like writing emails or figuring out what to cook from your pantry have something so human in them, that AI just takes away. If someone were to liberally use AI for a bunch of random stuff (that they could be doing with a mere Google search) it tells me that we value different things in life.
But the REAL real reason? It feels a bit pathetic. That's super harsh and I don't mean to call you pathetic!! You seem like a wonderful person. It's just the feeling I get from seeing a bunch of AI generated images on a substack piece that... Didn't need them?
I hope this ramble clarified some feelings about why heavy use of genAI could be a dealbreaker. You do you though, it seems like you were able to find more success in your dating life!! Best of luck :)
Thanks for the feedback! Very interesting to hear other perspectives. The images are just meant to help improve the reading experience, so if you don’t think they contribute at all, that’s good feedback to not do so many of them.
I'm glad I was able to show you a different viewpoint:). About the images, I really think your writing stands strong on its own. But you know your own metrics so you'd probably be able to tell whether pieces with images do better than without. I'll say that AI images can sometimes feel uncanny or off-putting, and that can be distracting. For example, in the watch with the Roman numerals the 4 doesn't look quite right.
I actually did this myself in a much less systematic manner. But I got nowhere. Women just would not give me a real answer. And even trying indirect methods like asking mutual friends for insights got me nowhere.
I figured out on my own through trial and error that I came off as a bit too needy because I texted too much and didn’t enforce boundaries early, so I’ve worked on that.
I suspect this is harder to pull off because women (especially Midwest women) want to be nice and not offend. Despite my saying that I would not get offended and that it would really help me improve going forward I would get a “oh no I just wasn’t in the right place” or something generic. I find when someone wants to really be with someone it never happens to be the wrong time - they find a way.
Fascinating, thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so glad you figured something out. Did you notice a difference in your dating success after implementing the changes? And yes, I was also pretty convinced that I was going to get non-answers so it was super surprising to get concrete reasons from so many. I also often maintain some degree of friendly energy with men I’ve dated before so I think there’s a bit more trust there which helps a lot.
I would say I have much better interactions with women as a result, yes, but I also have gotten to an age where I don't seem to have much energy for dating. I'm currently involved with someone in another state but I don't really consider it dating at this point. (We matched on a dating site, started exchanging emails and since have had some very good phone calls.) I am impressed that you got some really good responses.
If the problem had been that you were too needy, I can see how that would result in you not getting useful feedback. You know your request for feedback was sincere and just part of trying to get some insight, but to the other woman, she's like "oh great, the needy guy is being needy about knowing why he wasn't good enough..."
I appreciate the feedback and I could see how just from what I wrote why what you commented would seem logical but even today I don't think I was actually needy - I think I came off that way. A lot of that comes from expectations with new technology. I didn't have this problem before texting and other forms of messaging became prevalent and something I've commented on for awhile is that new technology is coming faster than we can develop etiquette/shared culture expectations for them. One good example is how one woman commented that she liked how responsive I was on text messaging but later seemed to express the opposite. But it was never that I NEEDED to text that much, it's more about not knowing what was expected. If that makes sense.
I should point out as well that the women I asked about this were ones I remained friends with and would hang out with. I think that fact plus the way I framed the question, as something I wanted to know going for future reference in dating moreso than expressing regret at why it didn't work out, makes it unlikely it was interpreted as needy. But who knows for sure I guess.
Sorry, I totally blurred the line between "was actually needy" and "behavior appeared needy to others" - you're right, those are not the same thing at all.
No worries man. I think it's good stuff to talk about. And I've found a lot of women I've dated are reluctant to talk about it. Maybe because they're not really sure either? But another factor I struggled with is not setting boundaries because I wanted to be nice. I wish I'd learned much longer ago that it's not nice, it's actually really bad because it doesn't let the other person really understand you. That's probably been the biggest gamechanger/realization for me.
Don't think I didn't notice you used NINE(!) AI pics in your blog--all generated with very sophisticated prompts I might add!
AI has become very politically coded with AI-Interest coding Republican and MAGA and AI-skepticism coding Democrat (Full Disclosure: I'm both fascinated by AI and fearful of it). New York City is very Democrat. The majority of your dates are probably Democrat.
AI-PROMOTING (GOP & MAGA)
1) Capitalism will triumph
2) Technological Accelerationism here we come
3) Fight China, Russia, and Jihad with our AI
4) Human Survival as a Species through Technology: AI solves our problems and takes us to Mars.
5) Elon Musk
6) Trump was the first US President to appoint an "AI Czar"--David Sacks, Ventura Capitalist
AI-SKEPTICAL (DEMOCRAT)
1) Of course it's going to kill us all. "Do you hesitate to eradicate pesky cockroaches and ants?
2) It's already devastating labor markets: "Learn to code" is no longer the panacea, and it's just starting
3) A preference for human-created art or over AI-Created Art.
4) Most people get a lot of their "life meaning" from work, so an absence of paid word is not an utopia, even if people are decently supported financially and materially.
Yeah this feels kinda true, I’m already a capitalist sympathizer and felt the need to put “I think too much faith is put in astrology and not enough in capitalism” in my profile to weed out people who subscribe to a very different worldview. Also the AI prompts were generated by the AI itself so I can take no credit for it, I just fed it the article and told it to generate a prompt for each section. The only other comment was negative so I think I’m going to avoid going so hard on illustrations again.
Are you on hormonal birth control? This might mess with your ability to instinctively identify suitable partners. Also, can't believe only one person mentioned Ozempic as a red flag.
Ok first of all, I love this idea! This article was a fun read. And as someone who knows people who have done a bunch of whippets; I’d see someone doing an entire box in front of me as a red flag as well haha
The balls on you to reach back out! Good write up. I scratch my head when dates that start off fiery shift to just another contact in my phone. The worst part is not getting some sort of understanding on why things died out. I want to try this to get some closure
Yeah let me know how it goes if you do! I think some people will not respond or give you not truthful answers, and just build that expectation in. Also do your best to not argue with their responses if you disagree 😂 although I was a little guilty of this myself
12 out of 13 men? As a man myself I would immediately block any woman who tried to reconnect after 18 months. NOTHING good is coming from answering that text.
This seems like a romcom that has been written by a woman and there is a male character, men dont behave this way, we are far simpler than this and I think you might be over thinking.
Not one of them mentioned you having a roommate as being an issue? Find that very hard to believe.
… men don’t respond to text messages and answer questions about breakups? I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make when I am literally quoting the things actual men have said to me. Are you saying I invented these quotes?
I live in NYC. Roommates are more common here. I also didn’t have one prior to 2024. But yes, it’s not been a problem.
Some people can have a mental breakdown in that time period especially if you met on a dating site. Furthermore, what about people who are in relationships now? Do you think their current partner would be upset that they were texting someone they had been dating 18 months prior? I just dont see any upside to entering into a conversation with someone you dated briefly 18 months ago, women or men. Even these men in this very scenerio, what did they gain/have to gain?
Isn't your problem New York itself? One of the, if not THE, most selfish and self-centric places in the world? People who obsessively sort people into winners and losers, who are career-obsessed and want to grab the best for themselves all the time and so on. A me, me, me culture. This is not a good culture for a loving relationship.
Neatness might seem superficial but when you consider that part of the reason for dating is the potential for marriage and part of marriage is living together - it's actually pretty important.
"I didn’t feel heard when I shared with you my ayahuasca trip which was vulnerable"
Idk why but this is so funny to me. There's something about modern men and ayahuasca trips...
I think "ayahuasca" in this case can be substituted with any highly emotional recollection FWIW.
It's funny because it's exactly how we would mock a certain type of modern "more in touch with himself" man.
But it's also funny because it hurts a little because I think the truth is "a guy feels kind of rejected and disconnected and it breaks the spark because it hurt when he tried to share something vulnerable with a woman and she didn't meet him there" - I think that's _most_ men. We're socially conditioned not to talk about that (and definitely not to admit it to our partners) - maybe less so recently. So there's some pain behind the laughter.
Glad you were able to quit vaping!! That’s a huge win for your health!!
Yeah I am glad too!!
I love this, Lana! Kudos to you for being so curious, open, self-reflective, and confident!! You rock. And for whatever it is worth, I truly believe you are so beautiful and so brilliant and so successful that you scare many (insecure) men away. Our culture doesn’t train many men to be able to handle women as amazing as you. But there are a few and you will find one. ❤️
Thank you, Sara! You’re so sweet
I only speak the truth. I knew from the moment I met you all those years ago at the art museum that you were really special. And I was right.
Enjoyed this post, hope you're in a better spot now
Thanks! And I am! 🥰
This is too hilarious! thanks for writing Lana
Lmao love that you did this, as a chronically single person I've always considered it. Although I have to say, I too would break up with someone for using AI heavily. But maybe that's why I'm chronically single.
Haha fascinating! What about it do you find off putting? Is it like someone who plays video games too much?
If I can sneak in an unsolicited thought here: I would also not be compatible with a heavy genAI user. There are the ethical concerns: models built on stolen labor and content, damage to the environment due to the energy needs/water consumption of huge data centers, data privacy, the fact that it just fucking lies all the time and it's hard to tell, etc. But the real reason is honestly just vibes based.
I consider myself a creative person, and to me genAI is more than a tool to express your creativity, it's a replacement for it. Even simple/dull things like writing emails or figuring out what to cook from your pantry have something so human in them, that AI just takes away. If someone were to liberally use AI for a bunch of random stuff (that they could be doing with a mere Google search) it tells me that we value different things in life.
But the REAL real reason? It feels a bit pathetic. That's super harsh and I don't mean to call you pathetic!! You seem like a wonderful person. It's just the feeling I get from seeing a bunch of AI generated images on a substack piece that... Didn't need them?
I hope this ramble clarified some feelings about why heavy use of genAI could be a dealbreaker. You do you though, it seems like you were able to find more success in your dating life!! Best of luck :)
Thanks for the feedback! Very interesting to hear other perspectives. The images are just meant to help improve the reading experience, so if you don’t think they contribute at all, that’s good feedback to not do so many of them.
I'm glad I was able to show you a different viewpoint:). About the images, I really think your writing stands strong on its own. But you know your own metrics so you'd probably be able to tell whether pieces with images do better than without. I'll say that AI images can sometimes feel uncanny or off-putting, and that can be distracting. For example, in the watch with the Roman numerals the 4 doesn't look quite right.
Kinda! I can best describe it with the short story pictured in this thread - https://x.com/tracewoodgrains/status/1884965138416951685?s=46
I actually did this myself in a much less systematic manner. But I got nowhere. Women just would not give me a real answer. And even trying indirect methods like asking mutual friends for insights got me nowhere.
I figured out on my own through trial and error that I came off as a bit too needy because I texted too much and didn’t enforce boundaries early, so I’ve worked on that.
I suspect this is harder to pull off because women (especially Midwest women) want to be nice and not offend. Despite my saying that I would not get offended and that it would really help me improve going forward I would get a “oh no I just wasn’t in the right place” or something generic. I find when someone wants to really be with someone it never happens to be the wrong time - they find a way.
Fascinating, thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so glad you figured something out. Did you notice a difference in your dating success after implementing the changes? And yes, I was also pretty convinced that I was going to get non-answers so it was super surprising to get concrete reasons from so many. I also often maintain some degree of friendly energy with men I’ve dated before so I think there’s a bit more trust there which helps a lot.
I would say I have much better interactions with women as a result, yes, but I also have gotten to an age where I don't seem to have much energy for dating. I'm currently involved with someone in another state but I don't really consider it dating at this point. (We matched on a dating site, started exchanging emails and since have had some very good phone calls.) I am impressed that you got some really good responses.
If the problem had been that you were too needy, I can see how that would result in you not getting useful feedback. You know your request for feedback was sincere and just part of trying to get some insight, but to the other woman, she's like "oh great, the needy guy is being needy about knowing why he wasn't good enough..."
I appreciate the feedback and I could see how just from what I wrote why what you commented would seem logical but even today I don't think I was actually needy - I think I came off that way. A lot of that comes from expectations with new technology. I didn't have this problem before texting and other forms of messaging became prevalent and something I've commented on for awhile is that new technology is coming faster than we can develop etiquette/shared culture expectations for them. One good example is how one woman commented that she liked how responsive I was on text messaging but later seemed to express the opposite. But it was never that I NEEDED to text that much, it's more about not knowing what was expected. If that makes sense.
I should point out as well that the women I asked about this were ones I remained friends with and would hang out with. I think that fact plus the way I framed the question, as something I wanted to know going for future reference in dating moreso than expressing regret at why it didn't work out, makes it unlikely it was interpreted as needy. But who knows for sure I guess.
Sorry, I totally blurred the line between "was actually needy" and "behavior appeared needy to others" - you're right, those are not the same thing at all.
No worries man. I think it's good stuff to talk about. And I've found a lot of women I've dated are reluctant to talk about it. Maybe because they're not really sure either? But another factor I struggled with is not setting boundaries because I wanted to be nice. I wish I'd learned much longer ago that it's not nice, it's actually really bad because it doesn't let the other person really understand you. That's probably been the biggest gamechanger/realization for me.
Per your AI use--Attractive or Not?
Don't think I didn't notice you used NINE(!) AI pics in your blog--all generated with very sophisticated prompts I might add!
AI has become very politically coded with AI-Interest coding Republican and MAGA and AI-skepticism coding Democrat (Full Disclosure: I'm both fascinated by AI and fearful of it). New York City is very Democrat. The majority of your dates are probably Democrat.
AI-PROMOTING (GOP & MAGA)
1) Capitalism will triumph
2) Technological Accelerationism here we come
3) Fight China, Russia, and Jihad with our AI
4) Human Survival as a Species through Technology: AI solves our problems and takes us to Mars.
5) Elon Musk
6) Trump was the first US President to appoint an "AI Czar"--David Sacks, Ventura Capitalist
AI-SKEPTICAL (DEMOCRAT)
1) Of course it's going to kill us all. "Do you hesitate to eradicate pesky cockroaches and ants?
2) It's already devastating labor markets: "Learn to code" is no longer the panacea, and it's just starting
3) A preference for human-created art or over AI-Created Art.
4) Most people get a lot of their "life meaning" from work, so an absence of paid word is not an utopia, even if people are decently supported financially and materially.
Yeah this feels kinda true, I’m already a capitalist sympathizer and felt the need to put “I think too much faith is put in astrology and not enough in capitalism” in my profile to weed out people who subscribe to a very different worldview. Also the AI prompts were generated by the AI itself so I can take no credit for it, I just fed it the article and told it to generate a prompt for each section. The only other comment was negative so I think I’m going to avoid going so hard on illustrations again.
To me, a fear of AI belies a small mind afraid of being confronted with their own inadequacies.
Interesting study.
Are you on hormonal birth control? This might mess with your ability to instinctively identify suitable partners. Also, can't believe only one person mentioned Ozempic as a red flag.
I am not on hormonal birth control.
Ok first of all, I love this idea! This article was a fun read. And as someone who knows people who have done a bunch of whippets; I’d see someone doing an entire box in front of me as a red flag as well haha
😅 good to know!
The balls on you to reach back out! Good write up. I scratch my head when dates that start off fiery shift to just another contact in my phone. The worst part is not getting some sort of understanding on why things died out. I want to try this to get some closure
Yeah let me know how it goes if you do! I think some people will not respond or give you not truthful answers, and just build that expectation in. Also do your best to not argue with their responses if you disagree 😂 although I was a little guilty of this myself
12 out of 13 men? As a man myself I would immediately block any woman who tried to reconnect after 18 months. NOTHING good is coming from answering that text.
This seems like a romcom that has been written by a woman and there is a male character, men dont behave this way, we are far simpler than this and I think you might be over thinking.
Not one of them mentioned you having a roommate as being an issue? Find that very hard to believe.
… men don’t respond to text messages and answer questions about breakups? I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make when I am literally quoting the things actual men have said to me. Are you saying I invented these quotes?
I live in NYC. Roommates are more common here. I also didn’t have one prior to 2024. But yes, it’s not been a problem.
Some people can have a mental breakdown in that time period especially if you met on a dating site. Furthermore, what about people who are in relationships now? Do you think their current partner would be upset that they were texting someone they had been dating 18 months prior? I just dont see any upside to entering into a conversation with someone you dated briefly 18 months ago, women or men. Even these men in this very scenerio, what did they gain/have to gain?
It’s not always about what “they have to gain,” sometimes you can just be kind and be cool and take 5 minutes out of your day to answer a question.
Huge red flag for anyone who thinks having a roommate is a problem. Super common and super smart in (super expensive) NYC.
The men can smell on you that you've dated and slept with 13 men in just the past year and a half. That's the great unspoken.
Oh you sweet summer child.
Lana,
Isn't your problem New York itself? One of the, if not THE, most selfish and self-centric places in the world? People who obsessively sort people into winners and losers, who are career-obsessed and want to grab the best for themselves all the time and so on. A me, me, me culture. This is not a good culture for a loving relationship.
Neatness might seem superficial but when you consider that part of the reason for dating is the potential for marriage and part of marriage is living together - it's actually pretty important.
I drive a truck long haul, vape, and am not known for my emotional availability even when I am available physically.
That being said, I would at least never ghost you. Best of luck on your future endeavors.